You be my therapist

Hmmm…where do I start?… I guess I could fill you guys in on where the hell I’ve been over the past few months….but that’s getting old…let’s just say that me and life are having a complicated relationship right now :/….


 I’ve provided ambience for you, so that you won’t be completely bored while you read my thoughts…soo enjoy you lovely person, you…

Now let’s get this over with, shall we Doc

*deep sigh*  

 I’ve been fighting with myself lately…and not the regular “I’m right your wrong” kind of fight. This is more of the “suck it up and keep moving” ones…Is this making sense to you Doc.? Okay I’ll be more descriptive..recent events has left me doubting myself and I’ve been struggling with the confidence to suck it all up and ignore it all…I know where my focus should be and yet I can’t bring myself to invest all my energy towards it.. what’s that you say??…It’s my music career…as you can imagine it’s not been going quite swimmingly…as with everything in life you wanna accomplish…there’s always these obstacles you place in your path that trips you up…yea you heard correct I said you…”you” being me that is…but you already knew that, after all you’re the one with the degree. You see my problem isn’t with any external hindrances but internal…

I know what I should be doing but I keep holding myself back and I can’t seem to figure out why I’m doing this…Some days I’m fine and others I feel the way I am now…like I’m a hamster on a wheel..I try to tell myself to keep pushing on but my words fall on my deaf ears….I want so bad to not fail at this but time and time again I give into my fear..Should I blame my childhood Doc? what about it you ask??….well let’s just say it wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst because I’m pretty sure there’s someone who had it a whole lot worse that I did…as a kid I was always alone(at least I felt like it)…I moved around a lot..but it wasn’t like I didn’t have family around or anything like that, but it felt like it…well everyone was much older than I was, and the only ones that were my age didn’t live close by so I would only interact with them occasionally…I had a few friends but we weren’t that close…this was from the age of 4-9…and at the time I was staying with my mom and my grandparents(back and forth). Age 10 I stayed with my father for two years then I moved back with my mom…but all that’s another story Doc and I don’t feel like paying you any more than I am to sit a longer session…where were we? oh yes..childhood and being a loner..

I continued to make friends but I’d still feel like I was alone…I grew close with some of them but yea that loneliness was always around…I guess I owe it to the fact that I always felt less fortunate around them.. my parents weren’t exactly well off and with them being divorced didn’t exactly lend to making my life any better…my older brother tried to do his best with seeing that everything went well but there’s only so much one man can do…he did carpentry work, then at one point he worked at an athletic store…also some work that wasn’t exactly legal…but that’s off the topic isn’t it?…but I always felt less of a person because I wasn’t able to have the latest in fashion, electronic gadgets etc…I went through my entire childhood like that…and it didn’t change when I got out of school and started working….there’s only so much you can do with minimum wage…no, I did graduate..just didn’t go to college..didn’t have that opportunity..I wanted to though..I wanted to study Mechanical Drafting…do you think I’m taking it all to hard Doc??…or is it all just in my head??…I need answers…you got Dr. Phil’s number??…oh you’re better than he is??…I’m sorry I brought it up…can we continue? or did I just mess it all up? we can?? really are a nice person…I’ve got a lot wrong wit me Doc..maybe I need a personal Jesus… it seems I’ve strayed though…what’s all this has to do with me and my career..? I usually just keep all this bottled up so guess everything is fighting for a chance to be heard…I guess I don’t want to seem like I’m whining and I hate to feel weak…I’ve had to be strong for so long I think I’ve lost touch with myself in a sense..shutting the door on what makes me human..

Is that bad? I mean can it lead to habits that can affect my relationship with people???…I think maybe if I learn to express myself better I’d be able to deal with all this better..don’t you think? some musician I am huh?…

 You see this is why I need your help help me with all this and you won’t have to listen to all this incoherent rant any more we’d both like for me to be here..

They say music is therapy but I get frustrated at times with it..I feel limited and caged….it’s cause I can’t express myself they way I would like to Doc…weren’t you listening????…I think I’m gonna need my money back…I kid I kid ! don’t get all tensed about it…I think i realise a part of the problem Doc…I let myself get caught up in all my insecurities and fail to acknowledge how great of a person I am..I actually really talented and amazing when I wanna be..people love least that’s what they tell me but between me and you I Doc sometimes it’s hard to believe…

My love life??? don’t you think you’re moving a bit too fast there?…I mean you’re good looking and all but I barely know you… Ohh you bad…well  I’ve had a few apples in my eye…but in the end never got around to picking them..well this may be a shocker to you but as handsome as I am I wasn’t the apple in their eye..not even a grape…I know, I know…same thing I said….but hey what can you say c’est la vi…or whatever it is the French say…at the moment?…uhh there is one…nah I’ve known her for a while a little over 6 years…in the past yes but over time we just became friends..but I never stopped liking her though…when I get myself together I’ll grow the balls and give it another shot…

You know I’m feeling better already, you really are good.. but I’m afraid out time is up for this session… we’ll continue on a later date..I’ll give you a ring..ciao! (by the way the music had nothing to do with how I was feeling I just happened to be listening to it and thought I’d have you guys listen a long with me but you must agree it is a good song :))


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