I’m afraid

I have a problem and I’m afraid. I had a conversation with my subconscious a while ago and it has me frightened.

I dosed off a while ago (no longer than an hour) and I had this dream..in it was a hive of chaos..there was a rebuilding process going on…we were in this area of construction of what looked like a house in renovation…everyone there were all familiar faces from years passed. Some were happy to see me, some were bidding for my attention…it started off pretty cool and as it came down to the end of it (the dream) it started to get ugly.at one point in the dream I found myself being replaced…we were in this room composing music of some sort..I wish I could recall the melody but that’s way off topic…

While constructing these melodies my input and creative ideas were of no use any more..someone had replaced me and my presence there wasn’t needed..it made me feel kind of insignificant, and disappointed…the reason for this is, outside of my dreams I actually compose instrumentals and to excluded cause you’re not needed well it will hurt a bit inside…when that happened I just walked away…

As I walked out I bumped into a friend I recently met like 2 years ago, she was elated to see my face as were I to see hers..we began to walk around the site no words spoken..it was as if she was guiding me to this particular area of the house and that’s when things started to spiral a bit more..as I walked with her, we came upon two other past friends of mines…I brushed by them as if they were strangers and then I heard them say amongst themselves in a whisper that I’ve changed..acting as if I’ve never met them before..

We came to a stop where a few people were doing some plumbing but it was kind of weird..no plumbing I’ve ever seen..there was a strange gunk build up and the pipes were extruding from the walls and hovering in mid air…strangely this felt normal to me… there was a section of wall that needed plastering and I decided to do it but before I did I went back to the two females I walked by like strangers, stood before them and poked them in the sides with my fingers and gave them a smile of reassurance that I hadn’t forgotten them at all..I went to work right after

As I was plastering the wall it turned into a task of tiling…just then my step brother came up to me and was a bit exasperated..for what ever reason unbeknown to me and started criticizing the way I was doing things so I told him if he saw that I was doing something wrong why didn’t he just let me know in a normal tone of voice instead of brandishing malicious slurs and making a scene out of everything…and at that moment someone pointed out his reason for being so upset about things..he was having a fight with his father and felt like he was being picked on and hated for no reason so he dealt with it I guess the only way he knew how, by taking it out on my I guess…

He started a rant about how he felt unappreciated and etc…this got me very heated I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt he then transformed into something timid….it was neither human or beast..I can’t describe its form..but it came about right after I grabbed him….I started yelling at him telling him not to worry his head about such petty matters..and to accept himself even if no one else does..I told him not to worry about people and their opinions just go on with living as himself things will pan out…

I then began to say to him he shouldn’t complain, because there was nothing to complain about..this is the part of the dream that worries me..I told him at this point in my life I should be complaining but I’m not..things has been very fucked up for me growing up but I never complained to anyone about it…I don’t like sharing my problems very much because I don’t want to come off as impuissant….and I hate complaining about things..it makes no sense if you wont fix the problem right?…but I digress..I started talking about how as a kid living with my grand parents I barely had clothes people looked down on me because of my circumstance..this hurt me…so brining it up while talking.well screaming rather..I started to choke up and cry..tears come out my eyes..as I did this I woke up…

I started to reflect upon it…usually it takes me a while to decipher what it is my dream was telling me…but this time I got it immediately…

I have a problem and it’s beginning to be a bit hard to repress these demons…what’s scares me is that I didn’t realise how big of a problem this was for me…recently I’ve been thinking about those events as a child and I become sad inside…though I’m very good at hiding it from people…but there’s one or two persons that can tell I haven’t been a happy camper recently.. but for the most part I hide it pretty well with a light smile….I’m afraid now that it could be a problem if I don’t vent my frustrations pretty soon…I guess this a step towards it..

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