A quick thought

I had a thought. It was about the taste of fame, I wondered how I would react to my first taste of it. As the cycle goes, people get a taste and go insane, they become monsters. They are infected with entitlement, the world now owes them everything and should conform to their wishes and demands. Self-centered bastards, the lot of em. So do I think I will become one of them? I don’t know.

I’ve seen fangs appear in instances where I had a small taste of power, nothing big though; and the fact that I caught it means I’ll at least be aware of when it starts to show. The bigger question is though, is this something innate? Do we as humans have this in our DNA? Maybe, maybe not. I’m gonna go with maybe. People are selfish. We care about nothing or no one else but ourselves. We do have a few saints, but let’s face it they don’t outweigh the majority. However, no one is perfect, we’re flawed creatures and that’s what make us, us. There are systems and processes that we have come up with to try to correct this flaw in us, i.e. religion, or some ancient teaching from persons left behind. Despite all this though we still fall short.

I hope when that day comes, I have people around to help me stay grounded. I even wrote about it in a song, I think my biggest fear is losing myself. Whether it be to fame, love,  or anything that may possibly consume me. I’d hate to be conquered by such things and not have myself at the end of it all. If I’m enveloped by them, I would at least like to have myself. I don’t know if that made sense to you, but to lose yourself should be considered the greatest loss a person can experience.

For as long as I can remember, through whatever hard times I’ve encountered, there was always only me there to get myself through it. I’ve never really had someone I could turn to for help so to lose myself would…excuse my French… fuck me up. So I guess the answer to my own question is, NO. I value myself too much to let it happen.

That is all for now. 

Just checking in I guess

Bleh, this all flowed way better at 12:00 today. Let’s see if my mind stays still long enough for me to collect my thoughts, it’s like chasing a f@%king rabbit up here.

Where do I start?… Ah, caught one!

I can not see how I’ve managed to stay copacetic all these years. Well to an extent. For the most part, I’d say that I’m pretty normal. Most persons, when meeting me for the first time think that I’m very reserved. I’d like to think I’m socially lazy, if that’s even a thing. In the past I used this (blogging) as a place to dump my thoughts; a kind of therapy if you will. It’s one thing to sit with your thoughts, and another to actually pour them out, read them to yourself and then share them with strangers. You guys have a privilege most people around me don’t, not sure if to say you’re lucky…meh oh well, doesn’t matter. Back to the subject; wait, I don’t think there is one :/. I guess we’ll chuck this in the pile along with my other “wandering thoughts” post.

I must say I enjoy writing on here. I simply play some mood music; some Jazz, Classical or mellow Hip-Hop, basically anything to get the juices flowing. Oh, and a paragraph or two of vapid ranting before I get to the nitty-gritty stuff.

A lot has been on my mind. Too much actually, so much to the point my dreams aren’t even making any sense and I’m sleeping in one hour intervals. I’m in the process of getting my sh%t together. I’d like to say that everything’s moving along swimmingly but I don’t think a set of flaming pants looks good on me. It all comes with the territory I suppose. I’m getting to know myself again. It’s rather interesting discovering things I thought I knew or understood in a new light. I’m analytic, which causes me to over think small situations. I can be obsessive, I hate starting things and stopping to never continue again. I feel it’s wasted time. One of my top 3 pet peeves. I’m learning to deal with it though, it’s like swallowing rusty nails at the moment but I’m learning to let go. Just a few things I’ve come to know on this small walk of mine.

My tolerance for people has grown. I’d usually go cold turkey on a person when they annoy me but now I’ve opened up to keeping em around a while longer before I do something that rash.

Also my views on a lot of things has changed, mainly on what and how a relationship should be. That’s both friendships and spousal. And on that note I met someone recently. Settle down, settle down. It hasn’t really bloomed into anything as yet, as it stands we’re just two people that like each other. I’ve just gotta get the ball rolling with things I’m currently pursuing so she doesn’t slip away. I like her a lot though. Alright, alright that’s enough mushy talk.

I’m very eager to see how everything that’s happened to me so far has affected my music. I’ve yet to pour out my creativity on that end. I feel that entire process is going to be interesting. I’ve spent the majority of this year away from my music. Something I’ve been lamenting. I’m going to put my focus on that in the months ahead.

That’s all I have for you guys today. Au revoir, et a’ demain

Remember me?

Haven’t done this in a while…………………………………..

Salutations people of the Internet. It’s been a while. From here on I’m just going to write and let whatever comes to mind entertain you (hopefully I’m still good at this). Here goes everything!

He let’s out a sigh, slumped bad at his desk staring at the ivory emptiness laying there intimidating him. He leans forward pen in hand… I’m just f@%king with you guys. I’d be here forever trying to write a story. Although in hindsight that’s not a bad start for one. I impress myself at times. I’m sure the question on the very few of you that still checks up on this bog is… “My n*%@a where the hell have you been??!”  “What have you been up to??” “What’s new?“. My answer to all this?…None of your god damn businesssssss!! Ah I’m just kidding. To be honest I just wasn’t motivated enough. I don’t know if it was just laziness or if I allowed what was going on to become bigger than the reason I actually started this blog in the first place.

Let’s see I’m still single. Entirely my own decision, though there were a few flings, but due to my hesitation and fear of commitment all those hitched a ride with some geese for the winter(see what I did there?? *wink wink*) I did learn a valuable lesson from them. My fear is not actually committing to one female, I am highly capable of this. My fear lies in having to become less of me to keep my spouse happy. I know you’re thinking..”What’re you talking about? if you can’t be completely yourself then that’s not the right girl for you” .You couldn’t be more wrong young Padawan, for I am not talking about being less of me in the sense of feeling comfortable enough around someone to let a more intimate/private side of myself out. I’m talking about spending less time on this path that I’m venturing. “If you love someone you’ll make time for them, no matter how busy you are that’s just a cop-out and bullshit and you know it” It could be, but here’s how I look at it. If I claim to love a girl, I m going to make her the center of my attention. She will be treated like a queen because she will have captured the heart of a king (me 😀 ) I won’t smother her or anything like that of course not, I’m just stating that the way I will treat her, she’s going to think that every romantic novelist, the creators of sappy love movie conglomerated and created me. But back to the point. To be at the top of my “game” I can’t allow myself the luxury of having a distraction that is a relationship. It sounds arrogant and selfish and a bit misogynistic but far from it I assure you. Let’s see how can I better explain this. Hmm. As the “good book” states: “There’s a time and a place for everything” and right now I feel I’m at a place in my life that the time for a spouse isn’t now. If I do happen to find “the right one” before then, then I won’t let her get away, those things don’t come around everyday.So until then I’ll be taking that time out to love myself just as much as I would a spouse. Maybe not as much but pretty close.

I haven’t felt creative as I would like to have been these past few years. I felt enclosed and hindered by circumstances beyond my physical control. I still do at this moment. That’s why I’m working on having that changed this year. I made a decision to be the best me I can be everyday, to utilize every waking second of my existence to forward my growth as a person. I’ve been reading a few books on the subject and they’ve opened my mind to the possibilities of who I can become. It’s really exciting to envision a better version of yourself. To picture yourself as someone you yourself would look up to is pretty amazing. You guys should try it. it’s f*@%ing awesome. I feel everyone should do this.If you haven’t any self-esteem and you try this, I assure you after continuously doing this, you’ll be the next Kanye as far as loving yourself goes. Of course you won’t be making hit records and marrying an alluring “piece of work”, but hey if that’s your goal then go for it champ. I’m going to be trying out a few things to help put my mind in a state where I can be creative no matter the situation at hand, because face it and artist with no creativity is better off dead. I have a few projects I’m working this year but my biggest will be myself. I expect to learn a lot from life and myself.

I also wanna enjoy the time I spend with friends. Life can be unpredictable so I think I’d like to savor the moments I have with them. Sometimes though I feel alone when I’m around em. Mainly because I’m the odd one, barely anyone has the same interest as me. If they do its to an extent.I just had a thought. I think I’ll try to make some new friends also..maybe about two or three. Guess I’ll add that to my list. Sorry I strayed. I forgot how relaxing this can be, I’m in a far better mood than when I started. Not that I was feeling bummed out, it’s just relaxing to empty my head y’know. I needed this Maybe now I’ll be able to express myself a bit more again when making music. I’m sorry where was I ? Oh yea, friends. There’s this girl who a friend brings around now, she’s supposed to be a love interest of his but it’s weird. I guess they’ve decided to just be friends or whatever but I kind of get the idea that she likes me. I haven’t brought it to anyone’s attention cause I’ve been brushing it off cause I’m not sure if its my ego or if it’s just her trying to be friendly. We’ll see how that turns out.(he’s probably going to read this depending on whether or not I decide to share this post on any of the social media I’m signed up on. don’t know how he’s going to take it, I think he still likes her a lot…oh well :/ )

I’m definitely not the same person I was when I started this blog. My mind has transformed a great deal in the past 5 years. And all for the better. That reminds me I’m going to become a certified personal trainer and also go for a PhD in business. What do you think? Becoming a personal trainer is more for a project I’ve got coming up. I really enjoy working out. It’s given me discipline and I’ve learned a lot about health.So no this isn’t some experiment to try to make a quick peso. Although those persons do make a lot of guap doing that stuff. I have a lot of ideas I want to remove from my mind and bring to this plane. That’s where the PhD in business comes in. I won’t have the time to go to an actual college so I’ll be searching online for some courses. If you have any suggestions please let me know. I think that’s about it. That wraps up this session folks. Same time next week, please remember to be on time, The quicker we get class started the quicker these things can g– There I go again..I can’t help myself at times. Later guys.

10369880_10152602637436716_4611250286828305003_n (1)                                                                                         I know I’m handsome 😛

Company for the road ahead

Alright folks, this one’s gonna be a bit mushy. If you can’t handle this kind of stuff it’s okay, not everyone can; it’s only for the strong at heart.

Yesterday I had my first heartfelt goodbye. It felt surreal, I had no idea how to react to it all. The best way to describe it is, I felt like I was losing my virginity to a cougar in her mid forty’s. Or even better, like a female being complimented on her beauty that she’s been oblivious to all her life. I played it cool on the surface but within there was a mixture of bewilderedness, solemness and  amazement. After we exchanged hugs and made goodbyes walk the plank that was our tongues, we parted ways. I sat down for a moment to imbibe this foreign ritual and as it festered, there in the pit of my stomach grew an emptiness as the distance between us grew also.

When the moment became real to me, my thoughts echoed this “I actually miss them”. An interesting fact about me, I’m usually indifferent in these situations. Not that I don’t care I’ve never allowed myself to become so invested in people on that level. lately, though I’ve been putting myself out there a bit more which resulted in this little occurrence . Now that I’ve gotten that disclaimer out of the way, back to the matter at hand.

To think that a month ago the existence of these people meant nothing to me, now they’re imprinted in my mind for life. This may not be a big deal for most people but when you’re an introvert stuff like this is kinda monumental–okay not monumental but it is significant. 


Meet Jackson and Amanda. They won’t like that picture I chose but they’ll get over it…eventually.(probably not gonna get my poptart from Amanda now :/) These two are the coolest people I’ve met in a while. Jackson can be impulsive which makes every moment around him a chance for a hardy laugh. Amanda is a player, pimp, mac with the cheese. I also think she has a dark side luckily I didn’t get to see it though. How did we meet you ask? We found out we all liked the same candy one day and decided that we should hang out. I kid, I kid. They were on a Mission’s trip here, helping out the less fortunate being saints and all that good stuff. I think they were just trying to suck up to God to get a condo in heaven if you ask me. I’m just playing. It would be interesting if they did get one though. I call dibs on the flat screen! 

They say many people will walk in and out of your life but only friends will leave a footprint on your heart. Thats some painful stuff when you think about it. I mean stepping on someone’s heart and leaving a footprint, it’s not right man. But you guys get the meaning though behind it. If you don’t then I can’t help you with that I’m just as lost as you are.

I hope I get to see em again soon.(I want my poptart when I visit) 

I guess that’s all for now until next time 


Ye Olde Summer Rain

Grey clouds gathered cooling what was a dry, humid summer day just a few moments ago. The rain fell and beat upon the earth, like a thousand drummers in a marching band. Lisle watched from here bedroom window as puddles appeared. She rarely liked rainy days, because, she did not like having to be inside with nothing to do. However, today was different. She had been feeling sad since earlier, so she welcomed the gloom of the grey skies; which was befitting to her mood. Lisle was self-centred, if she was in a bad mood she felt the world should stop and acknowledge this.

“Would you like some cookies and milk?” a voice said, “I just baked them.”
“No thanks” she replied.

It was her mother. Susan Immingham. A short woman with ember curls puffy cheeks and narrow chin. She always wore pearls, they were her favourite; although as a kid she never cared much for jewellery until she met her future husband in Jr. High, but that is another story.

“Is something the matter dear?”

“I’m alright,” she said while feigning a smile to avoid having to talk with her mother. Lisle dreaded having talks with her mother because she would always say things that would embarrass her.

“Are you sure?”


Her mother exited the room and disappeared down the hall. Lisle turned backed to the window and resumed swimming in her thoughts.

“Life can be such a drag” she mused. “Why are humans so complicated? Especially the ones we call ‘friends’.” She let out a sigh fell back on her bed and peered up at the ceiling. Just then, she heard a door swing open and a loud shriek ensued.

“This damn rain came from nowhere!”

It was her father, David Immingham. He was slim built 6’3” tall and had strong facial features, a handsome fellow by far. Mr Immingham was a supervisor down at the power plant. He had a tendency to be a bit on the boisterous side.

“Did you bring the eggs and butter?” asked Susan

“I forgot.” He said a bit ashamed.

“I told you I needed them to bake Lisle’s birthday cake!” she said, “Poor thing, nothing’s been going well for her today.”

“Oh she’ll get over it, Susan; she’s a big girl now.”

“I can’t believe you just said that” she scowled.

“Oh come now dear, she’s a teenager. You remember what that’s like do you not?”

“Yes. Which is exactly why I’m concerned about her?”

“Would you have me talk to her then?”


Mr Immingham grabbed the plate of cookies from the island stuffed one in the mouth and lazily strolled up the steps to Lisle’s room. He knocked on her door and poked his head in.

“Hey there June-bug, your mom just baked some cookies; you want some?”

“No thanks.” She sighed

“What’s the matter?”

“It’s nothing dad.”

He set the plate of cookies on her nightstand and sat beside her.

“You know I sometimes get grumpy when it rains too.”

Lisle turned at him and gave a blank stare.

“I remember the first time you looked at me that way. You were three and you wanted to help with my tie. This particular tie though, you’d pick out for my birthday that year and you wanted me to wear it that day-“

“Where is this going dad?”

“Nowhere” He smiled.

“I said it’s nothing dad, I don’t wanna talk about it” she murmured.

“I don’t want you to.” He said. “I just want to speak to my daughter”


“Nothing really just twaddle talk.”

 “Twaddle talk dad?”

“Hey when you get this old any conversation is appreciated, trust me.”

She let out a grin, which she desperately needed. “Mom told you didn’t she?”

“No, I simply saw freshly baked cookies and thought you’d like some.” He gave a wink

“Why are people so annoying dad? Especially friends!”

“People will be people dear.” He said. “They will say or do things that will upset you, but that only happens when you care about them.”

“I don’t get it,” she said with a confused look.

“Take your mother and me for instance; sometimes I can drive her to drink. I can be a bit of a tool and I am forgetful at times. Most instances I’m unaware of some of the things I do that gets under her skin, and I may continue to do these things unless she sheds light on them.”

“What if she never does?”

“Well that’s an act of love June-bug,” he replied, “When you accept the flaws of those you care for and put up with them.”

“So I should accept the fact that all my friends ditched me for the summer?”

“That’s a part of life sweet heart, you’re always going to go through these things. You’ve just got to learn to roll with the punches.”

“I hate it when things do go the way I planned.”

“Then plan harder,” he said with a smile. “You shouldn’t let life discourage you. Wanna know a secret?”

She looked up at her father with marble eyes.

“When I was about your age I was in a similar situation, I wanted to spend the summer having fun, but my father had other plans. He sent me to work on my grandparent’s farm. Now you can my disappointment when this happened. When I got there, I did not want to work at all. I did everything I could to get out of being there.”

“Did grandpa punish you for acting out against your grandparents?”

“Oh he did, he sent me back the following summer.”

They both laughed killing the gloom of the summer rain that had entered.

“While I was working there though my granddad, your great grandfather- who was sort of an old sage the old bugger- he came to me one morning before we began work and he gave me this old book and opened it to a page and told me to read a passage from it. I’m going to share that passage with you.”

He reached into his pocket pulled out his wallet, fingered through the compartments, and pulled out a folded piece of paper that looked like it had been around since the invention of parchment; then began reading.

“One day feeling fed up with everything in life a man looks up into the sky with embitterment and began to confront life about his short comings. He wanted to know why he always got the ‘short end of the stick’

“You’re just one big disappointment you know that…you’re nothing like I thought you were…you always lead me astray…you deceive and betray me…why must you patronize me…have you NO PITY?!!!” he said…

“Then life answered:”

 “On the contrary, I’ve always been this way you’ve merely bought into an image you wanted to be true. Therefore, in the end, you’ve disappointed yourself. Do not avert your eyes, to from the entire picture to focus on an object in it, you will always be deceived. Remember many things go into creating life…and it is in these things that I life exist. These things bring about a balance in me…but lest you forget, always remember…all things are one….this is because all things were created by one hand…”

“So, when you look at me don’t perceive me to be something outside of yourself, you will always be confused if you continue to do so; instead do just the opposite, look inside yourself and you’ll figure me out. Do not betray my logics with feelings or the mis-teachings of the world’s concept of me, I’m not that complicated, I am you and you are me, and you are all thin; you are also the hand that created all things, and so that gives you complete control over all things, including the disappointments you accuse me of…”

“You think therefore you are, you be therefore you liv, you say therefore you act. There is power in all these things, there is no such thing as the impossible or incapable, because I life bend only according to how YOU shape me…I put obstacles there because you think there are obstacles…I only act of what it is you put in your mind…;doubt, fear, confidence, ego, courage, failure. All these things I induce because you birthed them; I give you heaven or hell based on decisions you make…”

“That is why I admire animals you know, they never worry or complain nor trammel themselves with the things you humans do. They want something, they go and get it, they don’t worry about how they’re going to get it they just go out and DO…you see…you can only go as far as you allow yourself to go,” he gave a smile and said, “why do you think they call stars ‘stars’? It’s because they see no limit just an endless sky…they not only see…they also believe and just know…THEY LIVE…”

 “Do you know why they say practice what you preach…it’s not the fairytale notion of setting an example for others…no no… it’s so YOU can achieve what it is you are saying….you have to believe what it is that’s coming out of your mouth…anyone can say something but very few believe what it is they are saying….stars have no doubts about themselves….”

“So rid yourself of the teachings of the world, begin to look inside self for the answers…see me for what I am and not a picture you’ve painted…then and only then will you understand me….and less disappointments will ensue in your life…”

 They sat in silence Lisle spoke first.

“Your granddad was weird”

He laughed and said, “Yes he was, but it didn’t take away from the fact that he was a genius. I think he rubbed off on me”

“I think so too.” She smiled. “Thanks dad.”

“You’re welcome June-bug.” He got up and kissed her forehead “I think it’s about time I get back to work. They probably blow everything up if I’m not back there soon.”

He gave a wink and disappeared through the door.

Something to face the days ahead

I want to share something with you guys..it was given to me by the universe a few days ago…you can write it on a piece of paper and stick it on your wall or wherever you choose….think of it as a self motivational speech to start the day…

You never want it until you want it

Do what it is you want…

Be sure that it’s something great…

Never stop being yourself….

Give everything 1000% even the small things….

Greatness is never a hard task to achieve when you’re greatness…

Live in it (greatness)…

Pay attention to the signs there is no time for mistakes…

Be honest about your feelings…

Care less about reactions from others, they mean nothing and hold no clout in your world….

Make yourself proud…

Don’t allow yourself to get caught up…

Take in every lesson…

Your destiny is waiting….


Your mind is your home

People…..ahh pretty influential buggers aren’t they?


It’s pretty amazing how the thoughts or opinions of others affect the way you feel and view things. For instance someone gives a comment like “you look nice today.” or “the food there is phenomenal.” and just those little words have an affect on how you feel about yourself today or if you wanna try out  some new restaurant because it may be worth your wild according to Jim over there. Or how about this?…”you’re fat”, “eww is that your face?” . Instant mood changer huh. now I know some of you may say “I don’t care about what other people’s opinions, thoughts or action towards me or anything else for that matter” Well let’s say you don’t, let’s put someone you admire, an idol of yours perhaps or a significant other/crush into the picture. I think I’ll go with a loved one for this example….This man or woman who you completely adore says “I don’t like the way you dress, your clothes look atrocious” (this may not exactly happen but I’m just painting a picture here). Now these words fester and begin to haunt you. You get all these negative thoughts swishing around in your head, it eats at you now. You’re a little hurt by this statement so now you react, (here it comes) there’s only a few ways this is gonna go. You throw out all your clothes and you buy some new attire or you try to find some fault with them. You can only respond positively or negatively to what was said, either way what they said made you react..because it got to you, it got in your head and started messing with the way you think and feel…before then you were quite happy with your wardrobe, no one ever mentioned anything about it to you but here comes someone you care about and, bam! just like that there’s been a rip in the space time continuum of your reality. Everything’s flying all over the place, solid matter has turned into gas Ronald McDonald is eating a baconater from Wendy’s and Microsoft does away with Xbox One. I promise I’ll start making sense in a minute just hang tight.

You see how easy it is for us to give into words?…these fucking powerless letters coming together and gnawing away at your self confidence and flinging you into insecurity! Just by the utterance of some person who’s thinking should mean absolutely nothing to you. I’m not here to talk about all though. What I want to address is something I’ve observed and still am. When you start to dwell within yourself, meaning when you exist solely in your thoughts you become your own creation and people see this. It’s not something hard that you can’t accomplish, you’ve just got to break down that wall that stops you from seeing yourself. And that our biggest problem, we only see ourselves through other people. I won’t say that all of us do this, there are a few who has turned this wall to ruins and saw who they really are.When this happens though, in the back of your mind you get this meme Image….. it’s a beautiful feeling trust me on that…

I said earlier people notice when you start to exist in your mind…they tend to compliment you more…your demeanor screams it.

Okay I’ll explain in depth what I’m talking about. When you start to love yourself more than you love the person next to you things tend to change for the best. I didn’t say become selfish…no one likes a selfish bastard you get stoned to death with rotted salmon for shit like that. Totally made no sense just now :/…but yea..when you start to love yourself..you act differently, it’s almost as if you’re in a relationship with yourself. You tend to make better decisions cause now you think before you act…. You develop a sense of proportion,seeing the dangers ahead you make better decisions preventing hurt, brooding, regret and animosity.You become fine wine rather than Welch’s. You now have worth because you’ve given yourself that stamp of being priceless. Who in their right mind would want to push their thoughts or opinion or the queen???

Existing in your mind gives you power because of this feeling you now have Image you find what it is your looking for because you’ve given it to yourself and that is love. Because if you love yourself what can i say to you that’s going to make you feel less of a person? My opinion is borderline a speckle of dirt to you at this point. People call Kanye a jerk/douche bag for the way he acts but he does that because his expectations for himself is nothing less than greatness…I once heard him say his biggest disappointment in life is that he can’t watch himself perform live. If that’s not someone who’s in love with himself then I don’t what is. I’m guilty of letting words and people affect me also but I came to the realisation that…man FUCK people and their thoughts period that’s all I’m saying. It should other you that you would allow someone to do or say something that would affect the way YOU feel! Shit aint right all. A god isn’t bothered by what others think about him because he knows what he’s capable of he needs no validation of the sort. Validate yourself and watch the confidence grow. Take it a day at a time, start by reassessing yourself. Think of the things you like doing, think of the accomplishments you’ve made. Think about that fact that you’re alive. Life in itself is greatness so that means you’re frackin’ great. You don’t like what you see in the mirror then make a change start exercising change your eating habits within a few months you’ll fall in love with the mirror I guarantee. If you don’t then I’m sorry we don’t do refunds all sales are final.(dammit I’m corny today what is up with me?)

My favorite book is “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho. If you haven’t read it before I recommend you do it, it’s a freaking read book I’ve read it like 10 times and each time I get something new from it. In it there’s this Shepard who has a dream that ends up sending him on this long adventure for a search of treasure. What fascinates me about it is that (I don’t wanna spoil it for those who haven’t read it so I’ll make this as vague as I can)he doesn’t attain his treasure until he starts to look within himself and see all this greatness he’s capable of. So basically until he started to see himself as such and form a relationship with himself and realise one important detail which I wont state for obvious reasons he would have never reached his treasure

I guess what I’m saying is that you have to be your biggest influence you can be open to suggestions from others but in the end it is you that call the shot as far as what you think and feel… Life is easy we shouldn’t complicate it with trying to live by standards of others; be a product of self, people tend to respect that.

I dunno if I made sense to you guys today but just had to get that off of my chest. Until I rise from the dark depths again..later peeps ^.^

If it were the end are you happy ?

If this were indeed the last day on earth, I’m gad I got to spend my days with the people I’ve encountered through out this journey. My heart goes out to all those aren’t with me….it saddens me that they’re not in my life any more but I guess that just how the cookie crumbles. I’m thankful for events that have happened, both positive and negative. Sure I would’ve like to spend these last hours doing something a lot more meaningful, but I guess what’s going to transpire in the next few hours is going to suffice. If there’s someone you care about reach out to them and et them know how you feel about them even if they wont respond at least they’ll receive your words; whether by voice mail, text, email, letter or just showing up… the ungrateful bastards deserve to know. Sorry that was personal, although some of you may be able to relate. All in all just take the time out to reflect on what you have be thankful for them and they’ll multiply, worry not about what you don’t have that’ll come in time. Until next time ciao  ! (side note: I’m going to be a bit more active now if not every week it’ll be somewhat consistent 🙂 )  

For you I will

I know you’re probably thinking “why?” and my answer to that is..I was inclined to..

There’s been an absence by you for a few days at first I was very confused about it all…it took a while but then again I can be a bit dense when it comes to these things…I know there’s something wrong, and I know you don’t like speaking on such issues and that’s perfectly fine…I don’t wanna be shut out when these incidents happen simply because I care and I’d like to be there for it….even if you don’t open up about it I just want you to know that I’m here..

Like I told you before I am willing to deal with all of you….no wait..I want to deal with all of you…because I see you…not only do I see you I feel you….I only ask is that you bare with me and my issues as well…I refuse to just walk away from it all…not now…to me you are a ball of clay per say or a blank canvas teeming with great possibilities…I don’t ask that you change, do that and you wouldn’t be the person I’ve grown attached to….

forgive my tardiness though….and if I don’t get a response then it’s cool this was all just to reassure you if there was any doubts 


I’m afraid

I have a problem and I’m afraid. I had a conversation with my subconscious a while ago and it has me frightened.

I dosed off a while ago (no longer than an hour) and I had this dream..in it was a hive of chaos..there was a rebuilding process going on…we were in this area of construction of what looked like a house in renovation…everyone there were all familiar faces from years passed. Some were happy to see me, some were bidding for my attention…it started off pretty cool and as it came down to the end of it (the dream) it started to get ugly.at one point in the dream I found myself being replaced…we were in this room composing music of some sort..I wish I could recall the melody but that’s way off topic…

While constructing these melodies my input and creative ideas were of no use any more..someone had replaced me and my presence there wasn’t needed..it made me feel kind of insignificant, and disappointed…the reason for this is, outside of my dreams I actually compose instrumentals and to excluded cause you’re not needed well it will hurt a bit inside…when that happened I just walked away…

As I walked out I bumped into a friend I recently met like 2 years ago, she was elated to see my face as were I to see hers..we began to walk around the site no words spoken..it was as if she was guiding me to this particular area of the house and that’s when things started to spiral a bit more..as I walked with her, we came upon two other past friends of mines…I brushed by them as if they were strangers and then I heard them say amongst themselves in a whisper that I’ve changed..acting as if I’ve never met them before..

We came to a stop where a few people were doing some plumbing but it was kind of weird..no plumbing I’ve ever seen..there was a strange gunk build up and the pipes were extruding from the walls and hovering in mid air…strangely this felt normal to me… there was a section of wall that needed plastering and I decided to do it but before I did I went back to the two females I walked by like strangers, stood before them and poked them in the sides with my fingers and gave them a smile of reassurance that I hadn’t forgotten them at all..I went to work right after

As I was plastering the wall it turned into a task of tiling…just then my step brother came up to me and was a bit exasperated..for what ever reason unbeknown to me and started criticizing the way I was doing things so I told him if he saw that I was doing something wrong why didn’t he just let me know in a normal tone of voice instead of brandishing malicious slurs and making a scene out of everything…and at that moment someone pointed out his reason for being so upset about things..he was having a fight with his father and felt like he was being picked on and hated for no reason so he dealt with it I guess the only way he knew how, by taking it out on my I guess…

He started a rant about how he felt unappreciated and etc…this got me very heated I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt he then transformed into something timid….it was neither human or beast..I can’t describe its form..but it came about right after I grabbed him….I started yelling at him telling him not to worry his head about such petty matters..and to accept himself even if no one else does..I told him not to worry about people and their opinions just go on with living as himself things will pan out…

I then began to say to him he shouldn’t complain, because there was nothing to complain about..this is the part of the dream that worries me..I told him at this point in my life I should be complaining but I’m not..things has been very fucked up for me growing up but I never complained to anyone about it…I don’t like sharing my problems very much because I don’t want to come off as impuissant….and I hate complaining about things..it makes no sense if you wont fix the problem right?…but I digress..I started talking about how as a kid living with my grand parents I barely had clothes people looked down on me because of my circumstance..this hurt me…so brining it up while talking.well screaming rather..I started to choke up and cry..tears come out my eyes..as I did this I woke up…

I started to reflect upon it…usually it takes me a while to decipher what it is my dream was telling me…but this time I got it immediately…

I have a problem and it’s beginning to be a bit hard to repress these demons…what’s scares me is that I didn’t realise how big of a problem this was for me…recently I’ve been thinking about those events as a child and I become sad inside…though I’m very good at hiding it from people…but there’s one or two persons that can tell I haven’t been a happy camper recently.. but for the most part I hide it pretty well with a light smile….I’m afraid now that it could be a problem if I don’t vent my frustrations pretty soon…I guess this a step towards it..